voicemail ☏ to jack chessing | backdated to mar 13

[slay]

[ Buffy takes a minute to take a deep breath before she launches into her message. ]

Hey, Jack, it's Buffy. I ... I don't know if you're even getting this where you are, or if it won't reach you 'til you're already back, but ... I didn't know who else to call.

Something ... [ Wow being open is really hard. Made slightly easier that she got the machine. ] Something happened. While we were out on the mission. Well, it's -- it's been happening. For a while now, actually. A-And I thought I'd see if maybe you could ... help me. [ Her voice shakes on that. Because, she's trying really hard not to be, but she's scared. It's scary. The fact that she had a total spaz attack and attacked her teammate, for one, and the fact that she's still running on majorly low sleep to avoid having the dreams for another. ]

Anyway. I'll stop true confessions-ing your voicemail, and just ... Call me when you get this, okay?

Comments

[chessing]

[Jack responds some hours later, though within the next half a day.]

Buffy?

[slay]

Jack! [ As if it's a surprise that he called. Maybe she'd been hoping it would take a while to reach him, just so she didn't have to talk about it. ] I -- Hey.

[dragonsclaw]

Is everything alright? [His concern is clear] I hadn't heard anything from Wynn...

[slays]

I was kind of hoping you could tell me. [There's a heavy sigh. ] I didn't mean to make you think -- The mission's fine. Or, well, it's a work in progress. No one's hurt. That's not the problem. The problem is me.

[dragonsclaw]

[Gently, but definitely to keep her on track:] ... Perhaps some details would help me understand.

[slays]

There's been stuff going on for a while now that I don't understand. At first I thought it was just the Veil, but -- but, it's just me. Something's wrong with me. There have been these ... these dreams. And, then the way I hurt Arthur? A-And training, with Luthir. And then at Nightscape, I almost killed Spike when I went all super-acid-trippy.

[chessing]

You almost killed Spike? [ok, this is becoming ... a pattern. which is problematic. o_o] What happened, precisely?

[slays]

We were in the club, trying to find Jade, and ... there was this room. [ She swallowed thickly, shaking her head. ] Umm. The blood room, they called it. [ The disgust is pretty clear in her voice. ] People were there ... Tons of people. And vampires in cages, and ... the things they were doing to each other ... bleeding each other. [ But, she's getting stuck on that, and it's not the point. So she takes another breath. ]

And, then there was ... something there with us. Something ... A girl. I think she was a girl ... And, it was like the dreams, but it was all around me. And there was, you know, the whole not-sleeping factor. She -- It was like ... death. I was Death. [ She huffs, digressing. ] I don't even know what I'm saying. Or how to describe it.

But, it felt like he was hurting me. So, I hit him. And then he was her ... and I tried to choke it, but then it was Spike again, and I -- I don't know what's wrong with me. [ A sudden choked noise racks her as on the other end of the line tears slip out of her eyes and she lets herself crumble finally. ] What if that's what I am? What if that's why I can do these things?

[dragonsclaw]

[Very calmly:] Buffy, it seems to me you were the victim of some sort of illusory magic. Perhaps something in the very nature of the location, particularly if there were other ... dubious enterprises transpiring.

I'm not trying to dismiss what you saw, but perhaps it was what led to a loss of perspective.

[slay]

[ The tears stop falling. Not because they've run out, but because of him. He was dismissing it. No matter what he tried to say to the contrary, that was exactly what he was doing. And it hurt a little, to just be brushed off in that way. And her voice tightened. ]

It wasn't magic. It was me. That thing is in me, Jack. If it was just magic, or just the club, then what about the dreams? Why do I wake up every night screaming, dreaming about girls dying?

[chessing]

My best guess? That it has something to do with your past, something you saw, experienced, that is no longer accessible to your conscious mind. It could be a warped version of it, or the actual events. It may be your mind's way of trying to cope with what fragments it's been given to deal with.

[slay]

Well, someone needs to break it to my mind that it sucks at coping. [ She sniffs, dragging the heel of her hand that isn't holding the phone across her nose and then dropping it, sighing. ] What am I supposed to do? I mean, it's not just gonna stop. I need to know more. About ... what I am. Where I came from. Because, the next thing I hit if things get trippy again might not already be dead.

[chessing]

Perhaps you could speak with a telepath, such as Sir Ellison. She may be able to tap into your unconscious mind, see what's there to be found.

[slay]

[ He doesn't say it, but she takes a shot in the dark to interpret. Said telepath was probably back at the castle, after all. ] ... You think I should come home. [ Maybe she should. Maybe Spike was right, and she was the one who was a danger to her friends as long as she was here with them. But, what if talking to the telepath didn't help? What if she was crazy, and the only help she could hope to find was in the padded rooms of an institution somewhere? ]

[dragonsclaw]

[A pause] Do you think that?

That wasn't my implication. Sir Ellison, after all, is not quite returned from her own mission, but she should be in a few week's time.

[slay]

[ She sounds defeated. And tired. ]

I don't know. I don't even know if they'd still want me around if they knew. ... Assuming Spike hasn't already told them. [ A beat. ] And, why shouldn't he? I went postal.

[chessing]

I think it might be best if you alerted Sir Gar, at least. She'll be understanding - no one will think any less of you.

[slay]

Gar. Right. [ Now, she gets a little distant and detached. Because, well, as reassurance went, Jack kind of sucked. ] I'm ... sorry. That I pulled you away from ... whatever, for this.

[dragonsclaw]

You needn't apologize. I'm sure it's a very frightening experience, but you must not feel as if you are alone in it. We're here to offer you what assistance we can - but what I can offer is limited, I'm afraid, while I'm gone. You'll have to take advantage of those Knights around you. No one will see you as a burden, Buffy. We all want you to be safe.

[slay]

[ 8( Awww. She wavers in her bitchitude at that, because she wants him to be right, but ... isn't she? Alone? They can't assist. That's the point. Nobody can just ... know what's happening or what she is or even what it feels like to be losing grip the way she is. To be killed by monsters every night. She is alone. Even if they do help. But, she just accepts the reassurance. ]

I think right now what we all want is to actually pull off this stupid mission. [ She sighs, scrubbing a hand over her face. But then she gets an idea. HEY, JACK, YOU'RE A DRAGON'S CLAW AND THEREFORE VERY CLOSE TO WYNN. She sits up suddenly. ] Hey ... Do you know of a guy named Desmond Descant? [ /subtlest topic change ever. ]

[chessing]

Descant...? The name sounds... familiar. Should I ask why?

[slay]

We ran into him. Said he and Wynn went back, I guess. Just trying to do a little follow-up is all.

[chessing]

The more I think about it, the more I believe he was involved with several investigations, years ago. He worked with the Knights on several cases.

[slay]

[ There's a pause as she hits a few keys on the computer keyboard, pulling the webpage back up and scrolling through the tracking of where he's been. ]

How many years?

[dragonsclaw]

Two? Three? [He frowns] Somewhat recently, if memory serves.

[slay]

Huh. All right, thanks. And-- [ She straightens up. ] Uh, thanks for the other stuff, too. I'll make sure to talk to Gar.

[chessing]

You're certainly welcome. I regret I can't be of more... assistance at the moment.

Whatever is the matter, we'll get to the bottom of it.

[slay]

I believe you. [ She's just not sure how soon. ] Anyway. Go back to saving the world, or ... whatever your secret mission's supposed to do. I'll see you when we both get back, okay?

[chessing]

Don't hesitate to contact me if something else occurs.

[slay]

And by something else occurs you mean if I happen to totally lose my marbles and start attacking teammates thinking that they're some ... spooky rasta mama hallucino-girl? [ There's a wryness to her tone. ] Yeah. I'll call. But, how about we cross our fingers that we don't get a repeat of the cuckoo's nest, huh? Little faith.

[chessing]

I have confidence that we won't need to repeat this conversation.

[slay]

See? Now you're getting it. Optimism. [ Her smile's audible in her tone. ] Good luck on your end, too.

[chessing]

Thank you. I could certainly use it.