Faith Lehane (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
msattentionspan) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
drakenet2019-01-28 11:17 pm
msattentionspan) wrote in drakenet2019-01-28 11:17 pm
VOICEMAIL TO QUINN
[hella backdated. to like, before she heads out on the save Raf mission.]
I honestly didn't think I'd get myself up to leaving this message. I mean, hell kinda broke loose around here and I figured that I'd just opt out of this. Take the easy way and just cut those ties -- and hey, I still got time, I guess. Well -- [a beat, because she's realizing that she might not make it out of this whole thing, so maybe she doesn't have that much time.]
Look... I mean, having problems and not understanding the best way to do something is kind of my thing. [She's not really sure what she wants to really say, so she starts to pace the floor of the room.] So, the fact that I've actually started to look at my choices and trying to figure out why I make them must be some sort of internal growth that I've been ignoring all these years. Usually those moments of internal thought are centered around pizza -- or a little petty larceny. [her voice lilts at the end, amused at her own train of thought, because she thinks that making a joke will actually shove aside any real feelings of nervousness she might have about leaving this message.] Or -- It could be a tumor.
Still, I don't think I'll get used to being someone people call for help, but it felt kinda good to have people rely on me. It made me the important one. The one that might save the world. Which, gotta say, still sounds bitchin' to say out loud. [There is definite pride in her voice, because despite being self-labeled as a good guy, and not being on-board about the label, that level of good-guy-effort is pretty huge. It's worthy of pride.]
Except, I don't think I ever wanted it to be me. [The pride from earlier, slips away. The stark reality of not a lack of self-worth, but that deepset notion that she didn't earn that title. Not the way she should have. Not from the start. This was all to make up for her past... a past that didn't exist to hardly anyone else in this world. A past that had been basically erased everywhere but her memory.] I'm the second string. The B-Team. [Another beat -- longer this time, because she's thinking about calling Buffy "B" all those times. Thinking about how she felt that inkling of jealousy that bloomed over time. The feeling that she would never have what Buffy had. Then coming here... well, here Buffy didn't have all the things that came with the Summers Family Package, but she still had things going right. Sure, her boyfriend was being auctioned off - but it's not like things with Angel were ever perfect. The thing was that she needed Buffy to be there to compare herself to and when Buffy wasn't "Buffy" it tilted everything. It made it feel like she could just slide into that spot. Take it for herself and when she was actually earning that spot -- it made her feel vindicated. That she was just as good. She could be better. Which in the end, probably shouldn't have been the point. Doing the right thing because it's what someone else would do... maybe it's good in theory and hell she was good at it in practice too, but she was just as good at art theft and lazing on a beach.]
Things might not work out this time, but I just wanted you to know that if I do get out of this, I'm not going back there. Even if it seemed like the right choice to be there, I know that it wasn't really the choice I needed to make. I picked it because it was easy. They offered me something that I thought I deserved and it's taken me a while to figure out that -- it's taken me a while to realize that it's not easy that I want. [Plus, the whole thing is sort of crumbling around them, but that's really not the important part, because she decided this on her own. She assumes that if this mission goes well, there's going to be one after that to save someone else and another to do something else... that this isn't going to be the end of the Knights. Or at least the rag-tag group of them getting ready to break away from the Knights. Just one of those winks at the camera. Where you wait until after the credits and it says that These Knights Will Return in Return of the Knights 2: Electric Boogaloo, Now We're Serious. Or something.]
This is my last gig and I'm doing it for a friend, because [she might not realize just how much I owe her...] because I wasn't there for her the last time. If any of this makes sense, then just know that if I make it out of this -- [She takes a breath, glancing to her packed bag and for a split second wondering if she should just bail completely.] -- I'll come find you.
[She takes a step toward her bag and slings it over her shoulder.]
I'll just have to hope that you'll want to be found.
[Then she'll hang up and head out.]
I honestly didn't think I'd get myself up to leaving this message. I mean, hell kinda broke loose around here and I figured that I'd just opt out of this. Take the easy way and just cut those ties -- and hey, I still got time, I guess. Well -- [a beat, because she's realizing that she might not make it out of this whole thing, so maybe she doesn't have that much time.]
Look... I mean, having problems and not understanding the best way to do something is kind of my thing. [She's not really sure what she wants to really say, so she starts to pace the floor of the room.] So, the fact that I've actually started to look at my choices and trying to figure out why I make them must be some sort of internal growth that I've been ignoring all these years. Usually those moments of internal thought are centered around pizza -- or a little petty larceny. [her voice lilts at the end, amused at her own train of thought, because she thinks that making a joke will actually shove aside any real feelings of nervousness she might have about leaving this message.] Or -- It could be a tumor.
Still, I don't think I'll get used to being someone people call for help, but it felt kinda good to have people rely on me. It made me the important one. The one that might save the world. Which, gotta say, still sounds bitchin' to say out loud. [There is definite pride in her voice, because despite being self-labeled as a good guy, and not being on-board about the label, that level of good-guy-effort is pretty huge. It's worthy of pride.]
Except, I don't think I ever wanted it to be me. [The pride from earlier, slips away. The stark reality of not a lack of self-worth, but that deepset notion that she didn't earn that title. Not the way she should have. Not from the start. This was all to make up for her past... a past that didn't exist to hardly anyone else in this world. A past that had been basically erased everywhere but her memory.] I'm the second string. The B-Team. [Another beat -- longer this time, because she's thinking about calling Buffy "B" all those times. Thinking about how she felt that inkling of jealousy that bloomed over time. The feeling that she would never have what Buffy had. Then coming here... well, here Buffy didn't have all the things that came with the Summers Family Package, but she still had things going right. Sure, her boyfriend was being auctioned off - but it's not like things with Angel were ever perfect. The thing was that she needed Buffy to be there to compare herself to and when Buffy wasn't "Buffy" it tilted everything. It made it feel like she could just slide into that spot. Take it for herself and when she was actually earning that spot -- it made her feel vindicated. That she was just as good. She could be better. Which in the end, probably shouldn't have been the point. Doing the right thing because it's what someone else would do... maybe it's good in theory and hell she was good at it in practice too, but she was just as good at art theft and lazing on a beach.]
Things might not work out this time, but I just wanted you to know that if I do get out of this, I'm not going back there. Even if it seemed like the right choice to be there, I know that it wasn't really the choice I needed to make. I picked it because it was easy. They offered me something that I thought I deserved and it's taken me a while to figure out that -- it's taken me a while to realize that it's not easy that I want. [Plus, the whole thing is sort of crumbling around them, but that's really not the important part, because she decided this on her own. She assumes that if this mission goes well, there's going to be one after that to save someone else and another to do something else... that this isn't going to be the end of the Knights. Or at least the rag-tag group of them getting ready to break away from the Knights. Just one of those winks at the camera. Where you wait until after the credits and it says that These Knights Will Return in Return of the Knights 2: Electric Boogaloo, Now We're Serious. Or something.]
This is my last gig and I'm doing it for a friend, because [she might not realize just how much I owe her...] because I wasn't there for her the last time. If any of this makes sense, then just know that if I make it out of this -- [She takes a breath, glancing to her packed bag and for a split second wondering if she should just bail completely.] -- I'll come find you.
[She takes a step toward her bag and slings it over her shoulder.]
I'll just have to hope that you'll want to be found.
[Then she'll hang up and head out.]
VOICEMAIL TO QUINN
Still, she has to at least try to sort out something for the end. It can't keep going until she dies. There has to be an end for this and maybe if she knows there's something to land on. Something worth meeting at the end...
The wifi is up for a little bit and the first time she hesitates. Letting her own doubts get the better of her.
The next time, she figures she can't ghost him.]
So... I haven't died yet. [It's said in an amusing tone, sing-songy if ever there was a tone for that from Faith.]
I'm not even sure what sort of rumors you've been hearing... or even if you're listening for anything. [A beat.] Or if you even know what to listen for.
[Her brow furrows, mostly because she's delaying this whole thing as she goes.]
We don't really have solid cell service out here, but I wanted to let you know that I'm still looking for that end of the line. It's got an extra couple of stops... [another pause] I shouldn't try these train expressions. Kinda lame.
I'll have a signal for a little bit longer, if you get this message. Otherwise, we can just wait it out or ... I don't know.
I just wanted you to know that I'm still out here and I'm still sticking to what I said.