[Phone Call for Vi, courtesy of a hotel- WHICH HAVE PHONES EVERYONE]

[nothingsodivine]

[An unknown number is calling your cell phone, Vi.

Maybe you should pick that up.

Or let it go to voicemail.

Whatever.]

Comments

[graveflowers]

[ HE GETS VOICEMAIL, SORRY YO.

"hola, it's vi, i'm busy -- can i make that a large fry, actually? -- so leave a message and i'll forget to call you back later. ciao." ]

[nothingsodivine]

[Beeeeeeep.]

I have this giant pile of imported Swiss chocolate on my nightstand and I don't want to look like Fat Elvis before I even pretend I'm gonna make it to my physical forties.

Know anyone who can save me from temptation?

[graveflowers]

[ twenty minutes later, he gets a return phone call because hotel phones don't text and vi is not as dumb as i am. she was busy, alright? she has things to do. pillows to weep into, doors to trip into. very exciting life over here. ]

Real swiss? Neutral chocolate?

[nothingsodivine]

Well, it says so on the packaging. Why would that nice guy at the candy store lie to me? That'd be vile.

[graveflowers]

You lie all the time.

[nothingsodivine]

Not about imported Swiss chocolate. I never lie about food.

[Long awkward pause.]

I actually called to apologize, but chocolate seemed like a better opener.

[graveflowers]

I really hope that was just the preamble to the actual apology. [ damn that was a critical tone. ]

[nothingsodivine]

I'm working up to it.

[He sighs.]

I'm sorry I was a jackass. And that I didn't come to Luthir's funeral. And that I'm allowed to open my mouth at all most days. The last month's been hard on me. And I've been too self-involved to grok that it's been just as hard or harder on everyone else. I'm not cornering the market on turmoil here.

[graveflowers]

No, you're not, you're really not. And that's not an apology. You don't get to excuse yourself and apologize at the same time. I tried to be kind and I tried really hard to understand what the fuck is going on with you and all you did was slap me in the face. Are you really sorry, Des, or are you just sorry someone called you out on being a narcissistic ass?

[nothingsodivine]

If I was just sorry about being called out, I wouldn't have said a damn thing. When was the last time you heard me apologize? I'm not making excuses. I'm well aware letting people down is what I'm good at, and maybe that'll never change. I'm not expecting forgiveness, Vi.

[graveflowers]

You're going to die, Des, you better damn well hope you learn how to stop letting people down. Otherwise you broke a curse for nothing. I've already forgiven you, you dumb fuck, I just want you to learn how to apologize properly because you might need to do it again. And by might, I mean, will.

[nothingsodivine]

[STOP REMINDING HIM. sob sob.]

I thought the chocolate was a nice touch anyway.

[graveflowers]

You already owed me chocolate. [ she is still phenomenally pissed off, but her capacity for forgiveness is just as huge as her ability to hold a grudge. sometimes simultaneously. she'd forgiven des the moment she walked away, it made her no less angry at his utter lack of compassion. ]

[nothingsodivine]

Point taken.

[yeah, he is... not good at this okay. there was effort made. rafael never even got an apology FOR THROWING JADE UNDER THE BUS. des is just really good at lacking compassion sometimes. he is a terrible friend.]

[graveflowers]

And stop treating us like shit. You're right, you don't have the lock on tragedy. But we still stick by you in our tragedy, we deserve just as much from you. I deserve that much.

[nothingsodivine]

[Des goes very quiet for a long time. If he wasn't breathing on the other end of the line, it would look like he hung up.]

Anything else? [He doesn't sound sarcastic or annoyed. Just tired- deeply, deeply tired.]

[graveflowers]

Yeah. You don't deserve it either. Be kind to yourself, too.

[nothingsodivine]

I deserve a lot worse than what I've got right now.

[And may end up getting it. We just don't know.] But I'll try. As pissed as you are, Vi, no one's ever gonna hate me more than I hate me. I might be a dick, but I'm not proud of it. It's just been so long, I don't know how to change it.

[he sighs.] Rafael and I are cut from the same cloth. And if he thinks he has a hard time figuring his shit out after all this time, then he oughta try walking in my shoes. I've never had to care about people before. I've never wanted to.

But you don't wanna hear that shit from me, I know. I know the routine- stop worrying about why you can't change and start worrying about how you can.

[Another long pause.] I need to stop talking, right?

[graveflowers]

No, you need to stop acting like you're the only person who has trouble caring about people. Jesus Christ, Des. It's not an issue exclusive to you. You thought you were never going to die, I thought I was going to die before I hit twenty. The fact that I survived to twenty seven is a fucking miracle and I'm not being dramatic. You're hunted down because of your curse and because you don't know how to shut up, I was hunted down because I existed. You don't get close to people when you know you're going to die young.

You know how you change? Think before you act, count to three before you open your fucking mouth. You're doing this to yourself. [ that's why she has no pity for him, honestly. he really does bring this on to himself. ] And for fuck's sake, stop comparing. Life isn't a competition, you don't need to one up everyone with your shitty life. Rafael's life is shitty, Myri's life is shitty, Buffy's life is shitty, Elena's life is shitty, all of our lives are shitty. That is life. Just because we're not thousands of years old doesn't mean we don't understand. You're not letting us even try.

[nothingsodivine]

Because I don't know how to explain it. It's not something that's easy to grasp. None of it is.

[There's a thud sort of like him putting his head down on the complimentary hotel desk.

HE DOESN'T WANT PITY ANYWAY. So there.]

[graveflowers]

[ sometimes she feels like she's talking to a brick wall. ] You might want to start figuring out how to explain it then, shouldn't you?

Listen, I have to go. [ no, she doesn't, she doesn't have to do anything. she just wants to not be having this conversation anymore, frankly. she shouldn't have to be the one cramming common sense and reason down his throat. right now she is just too tired to slam a sledgehammer into that brick wall. ]