PRIVATE ☏ TO FRANCESCA

[65]

[finnick … really needs to talk to someone. about life. myri is nice and all, but most of the group he doesn't feel comfortable enough with to have realtalk with. and the ones he'd maybe consider talking to (i.e. … pretty much just violet actually) are busy dealing with their own shit. it's been awhile since he talked to frannychan anyway. so, after everyone goes back to the hospital and deals with their own damage, he goes out on the balcony (at least it's not the bathroom?) to make a phone call.]

I'm assuming you saw what happened on tv.

Comments

[socialgraces]

[She picks up on the first ring, and she's making no effort to mask the concern in her voice.]

Of course. Are you- I mean, is everyone alright?

[65]

Everyone is all right, I think. Well, besides Jade, but I'm sure you know that by now.

I'm okay from the neck down. [wow this is hard.] I — I don't know.

[socialgraces]

Jade. [She softly repeats the name, trying to piece together more of the situation, but its easy to figure out to whom he's referring.] She was a friend?

[65]

That's probably too strong of a word. She was closer to an acquaintance. I only really talked to her a few times. I believe she was close to several members of our group, though.

[socialgraces]

[There's a short pause before she speaks again.] I didn't see you, on the stage. When she was shot. That's why I was so worried.

[65]

[there's a much longer pause before he speaks again.] Can I tell you something in confidence?

[socialgraces]

Yes. [Short and sweet, but she more than understands the need for distinction. And for reassurance.]

[65]

When the lights went out and people started panicking, I tried to leave. I wanted to take Myri with me, but she refused to go. I was scared of what might happen to her, so I stayed. And it was like — my entire body shut down. Everything was in slow motion, I couldn't move. I think I had an anxiety attack. That's what they are, isn't it?

[socialgraces]

Its an instinctual response, to flee when faced with such chaos. But I take it this isn't a normal response for you? [nat 20 wisdom check] Do you think this may have spurred some latent turmoil from your past? What you told me before, it seemed beyond haunting.

[65]

It's the first time anything like that ever happened to me. [he pauses again and bites his lip. not like she can see but whatevs. he also freezes because he almost forgot francesca knew. look it was more than a year ago and they hadn't had very many opportunities to speak to each other since. but the fact that she did know made it incredibly reassuring. and it saved him from another round of storytime. ]

I think that was why, though. I wasn't actively thinking of what happened back then, but it was still that same feeling. That sort of adrenaline response I felt all those years ago.

[socialgraces]

And if you hadn't been too overwhelmed to move, what would you have done? Jumped up on stage, waving a gun around like the rest of them?

[65]

No. I would have tried to get Myri away from all of it, probably. [sigh.] Just like she never would have wanted.

[socialgraces]

[She begins slowly, as if she's trying to pick her words carefully.] When a person comes from a society or lifestyle that's forced them to constantly fight to survive, that puts a higher value on survival than honor or duty, it can be difficult to overcome those instincts. [Its almost like she knows what that's like or something >.>] Even if the specific memories aren't there, those feelings, they don't just go away.

Myri. She's a cleric, isn't she?

[65]

That's her. ... I told her I was in love with her, just before everything happened. She's in love with me, too. [but it's hard for him to sound too enthusiastic about it because he's still weighted down by his manpain. .o. ] I talked to her about it. I think she understands, but I know she cares about her duty more than anything. So, if something like that happens again ...

[socialgraces]

But that's why you love her, that sense of purpose, that passion and strength. You're just afraid she won't look at you and see the same. [yeah, she gets it...] I may not the best person to get relationship advice from, but I know what you have to offer, that devotion and care you have for her, it has to be worth something.

Duty isn't everything. Sometimes it can be very lonely.

[65]

Thanks, Francesca. I just love her so much that kills me a little. This morning, when we were in the hospital seeing Jade, she tried to heal her even though it was a lost cause. She said that if she tries too hard to heal someone, she might die. So I had to pull her back. I had to. I didn't want anything to happen to her. I was even told to do it, but I still ... do you think she would resent me for it? She doesn't act like it, but I don't actually know.

[socialgraces]

What reason would she have to heal someone who's fate was already decided? Martyring herself for a lost cause seems quite irrational. And any resentment she'd find in you for stopping that would be just as unreasonable. [ok she'll stop rambling now. there was a point she was trying to make somewhere in there.] I think that whatever burden she's carrying that makes her feel as if she must trade everything for her duty, would become much lighter if she'd allow you to bear it with her.

If she knows you respect her choices and her obligations, but that you also treasure her well-being, I think she'd be hard-pressed to hold it against you. [and just to lighten the tone a little] And you always have your charm to fall back on.

[65]

[that gets a laugh out of him at least.] I don't know how much my charm is worth right now. I've sort of been a mess.

[socialgraces]

I can imagine you've had a lot on your plate - a new world, a new life, a new relationship - its a lot to handle, all at once. Not that I don't think you're capable, but all that stress makes dealing with something like this even more overwhelming.

I'll do anything I can to help you, Finnick. I hope you know that.

[65]

After the concert, I went back to the hotel and hid in the bathroom for a few hours. [he can make light of it now that a million hours have passed...]

I really appreciate it, Francesca. ... I don't feel like the rest of the group understands sometimes. All that I've had to do for the mission. I try to act like it doesn't affect me, but I don't enjoy it. I was constantly objectified enough at home. That makes me more equipped to handle stardom, I guess, but it doesn't make it better.

[socialgraces]

No, it doesn't make it better at all. Because its not okay. [She makes sure to emphasize her revulsion as clearly as she can over the phone.] I just worry... [She sighs.] Its quite a role to have to assume on your first mission. And now what? Are you supposed to just continue on with it?

[65]

I don't know. [for all that he jokes about having to dramatically fake his death, he actually sounds upset now. AND DES JOKING ABOUT HIM PRETENDING TO HAVE A MENTAL BREAKDOWN DID NOT MAKE IT BETTER.] I don't want to continue on with it. Everyone — well, Gar at least — seemed sure Wynn would be able to get me out of it, but how?

[socialgraces]

Well, he's certainly not going to just leave you there. [She tries to sound confident, and not just upset, but it gets away from her for a moment.] It will be more difficult, with this increased attention, but it can be done. I'm sure we've handled worse.

Are you ready to be done with it? Now?

[65]

[he basically said the same to myri, but it's different in that he feels he can be more forthright with francesca on this. partially because she's more removed from the situation. he also doesn't have to pretend not to be as distraught as he is. it almost comes out like a sigh of relief:]

Yes.

[socialgraces]

Then we'll figure it out. Now.

I can speak with Wynn tonight. And I'll come to help you myself if Wynn doesn't have a better plan.

And as long as that's alright with you. [Kinda rude to invite herself over after all. It might seem ridiculous after all this, but she can't help asking anyway.]

[65]

No, that's — that's fine. I would really like that.

[socialgraces]

Me too. [and he can hear her fond smile in her voice] But it doesn't have to be right this second. I mean, we can keep talking. I just wanted to give you some reassurance, because this is one thing I can help with.

[65]

No, of course. I didn't expect that you would right now. [he chuckles a little. it's an emotional spectrum improvement...] I just needed to talk to someone. I trust you, Francesca. And I don't trust very many people.

[socialgraces]

[She's not really sure how to respond to that confession without downplaying the gravity she knows is attached to it. But she's relieved to have been able to help, even a little.] I'm glad you picked me. I'm here to listen, anytime. And I do prefer to be "in the know" when it comes to those I care about.

I think you were wise in choosing to talk about all this. [She pauses, struggling for the right words but feeling as if this is an issue they should address.] I can't blame Katniss for deciding to block what pain she felt she couldn't endure, but I don't see how it will help, in the long run.

[65]

Do you — have you seen Katniss lately? Do you know how she is?

[socialgraces]

I haven't talked to her myself. I didn't think she'd want to see me, of all people. [She trails off at the end, obviously upset by that. But she sighs and continues.] But Christos informed me of the situation, and her well-being. I think she's faring... as well as can be expected, I guess.

[Wait. I guess she doesn't know if Finnick even knows anything about this. She had just kind of assumed...] Did she tell you - did anyone tell you what happened?

[65]

I know that she had her memories tampered with because she couldn't handle what she experienced on her mission.

[socialgraces]

I'm guessing, from what I was told, it was a lot like what happened with you. Apparently she was there, when I was, um, killed. [Yeah that still really weird to say. And the guilt that comes along with it is almost unbearable, thickening her voice.] I regret that more than any of my actions.

But whatever memories it brought forth, or emotions she was suddenly forced to recall, were apparently too much for her to bear.

[65]

[yeah he doesn't like thinking about that very much either, so he'll just ... move on to the next thing.]

I thought about what happened to her, later. I couldn't do it. I've already lost pieces of my memory thanks to the veil. I don't want to lose more. I used to think it would be some kind of luxury to forget. Maybe it would, but ... I'd rather be me. I don't want to become a hollow shell. And I've went through a lot more than Katniss. Back home, anyway. ... I haven't exactly told you everything.

[socialgraces]

If you'd like to get it off your chest, I'm here to listen. If you think it might help.

[65]

[his voice turns flat and removed, like it's something he's tried incredibly hard to distance himself from.] Like I've said before, I was 14 when I won the Games. I was too young for them to really do anything with me, so I got to spend a couple years feeling like I'd actually won something. But when I turned 16, the president started selling my body. If a victor is considered desirable, the president given them as a reward or allows people to buy them for an exorbitant amount of money. If you refuse, he kills someone you love. So you do it. Every year, when I went to the Capitol, I had to take lover after lover. It was the worst, I think. When I had to fight for my life, it was a week or two at most, then it was over. That lasted for eight years and showed no sign of stopping.

[socialgraces]

[There's gonna be some silence, at least for a few seconds, but she's very careful to say something before it becomes uncomfortably long.] I'm not sure what condolences I could offer you that wouldn't be perceived as pity, but I am truly sorry that you had to live through that.

And I'm so glad you're here. That you escaped that hell.

[65]

You don't have to offer me any condolences. I just — [he pauses, stumbling over his words now that that's all off his chest] I've never told anyone that before. I couldn't. Even when I told Myri everything, I couldn't tell her that. It's too ugly. She'd be disgusted with me. [yep he believes this despite myri telling him that she'd love all of him no matter what.]

[socialgraces]

Finnick, I - [She takes a deep breath before pressing on.] Let me impart some wisdom on you from my hundred plus years in this world. Since I've been here I've met so many people, from all walks of life. Some have witnessed or lived through or even done horrible, dreadful things. But somehow they ended up here, and with the Knights. And we're all just looking for the same thing when we ask Wynn to take us in - ourselves. We just want a place to belong, we want to know who we are and why we're here. And it has little to do with lost memories - its more about lost souls.

But to truly find yourself you needn't search outward, because everything you've lived through and done, all your achievements and regrets, every moment of your past has lead you to where you are right now.

All those dreadful horrors you suffered through, they made you the man you are. The man she loves.

[65]

You're right. [he nods until he ... remembers this is a phone.] You're right. That's why I wouldn't ask to forget any of it if given the choice. I can't just somehow rip out part of me without it affecting everything.

[there's a short pause before he makes another admission (sorry you've turned into his diary, gurl.)]

After the concert, when I went back to the hotel, I started wondering if I was even fit to be a knight. Even with all the things I've done for the mission. But I am, aren't I? It's just — I just have to want it.

[socialgraces]

[Its ok, she's just glad he's getting it off his chest and that he trusts her to confide in. It means a lot.]

Oh yes. [She sounds so proud, but still so sad.] The humility you possess, even after being thrust into fame and fortune, speaks volumes for your character, Finnick. And the sacrifices you've made, although not as brazen as attacking an armed assassin, truly honor the oath you took.

I believe this mission has unfolded in ways Wynn did not, and could not, foresee. I don't think for a second he would have allowed you to become so deeply entangled in something this dangerous without forewarning you.

[65]

It unfolded in ways I didn't foresee, either. I never thought it was going to end up this way. Although I guess I didn't put much thought into how it would have ended up, either. That's my own fault.

[socialgraces]

It's easy to see that from where you are now, but I'm sure you felt much more in control at the time. You live, you learn. Trust me, there's no one in the Knighthood who hasn't made worse miscalculations in their time.

All that matters now is that we get you out. Which we will.

[65]

Thank you, Francesca. I don't think I can ever say how much I appreciate it.

[socialgraces]

You don't have to.

And this way I'll have a chance to meet Myri.

[65]

I can't believe you haven't met her. [yeah he's about to sound all lovestruck and gushy now.] She's really incredible.

[socialgraces]

[That's ok, she loves it more than she'll ever admit.] Then I'm glad I don't have to wait.

If anything else comes up before I get there, or if you just need to talk again, you can call.

[65]

I will, I will. [he almost says "thanks" again but stops himself. it's becoming a problem.] I look forward to seeing you again soon.

[socialgraces]

Very soon. Take care of yourself, Finnick. [insert goodbye/hanging up]