PRIVATE ☏ TO FRANCESCA

[65]

[finnick … really needs to talk to someone. about life. myri is nice and all, but most of the group he doesn't feel comfortable enough with to have realtalk with. and the ones he'd maybe consider talking to (i.e. … pretty much just violet actually) are busy dealing with their own shit. it's been awhile since he talked to frannychan anyway. so, after everyone goes back to the hospital and deals with their own damage, he goes out on the balcony (at least it's not the bathroom?) to make a phone call.]

I'm assuming you saw what happened on tv.

Comments

[65]

I know that she had her memories tampered with because she couldn't handle what she experienced on her mission.

[socialgraces]

I'm guessing, from what I was told, it was a lot like what happened with you. Apparently she was there, when I was, um, killed. [Yeah that still really weird to say. And the guilt that comes along with it is almost unbearable, thickening her voice.] I regret that more than any of my actions.

But whatever memories it brought forth, or emotions she was suddenly forced to recall, were apparently too much for her to bear.

[65]

[yeah he doesn't like thinking about that very much either, so he'll just ... move on to the next thing.]

I thought about what happened to her, later. I couldn't do it. I've already lost pieces of my memory thanks to the veil. I don't want to lose more. I used to think it would be some kind of luxury to forget. Maybe it would, but ... I'd rather be me. I don't want to become a hollow shell. And I've went through a lot more than Katniss. Back home, anyway. ... I haven't exactly told you everything.

[socialgraces]

If you'd like to get it off your chest, I'm here to listen. If you think it might help.

[65]

[his voice turns flat and removed, like it's something he's tried incredibly hard to distance himself from.] Like I've said before, I was 14 when I won the Games. I was too young for them to really do anything with me, so I got to spend a couple years feeling like I'd actually won something. But when I turned 16, the president started selling my body. If a victor is considered desirable, the president given them as a reward or allows people to buy them for an exorbitant amount of money. If you refuse, he kills someone you love. So you do it. Every year, when I went to the Capitol, I had to take lover after lover. It was the worst, I think. When I had to fight for my life, it was a week or two at most, then it was over. That lasted for eight years and showed no sign of stopping.

[socialgraces]

[There's gonna be some silence, at least for a few seconds, but she's very careful to say something before it becomes uncomfortably long.] I'm not sure what condolences I could offer you that wouldn't be perceived as pity, but I am truly sorry that you had to live through that.

And I'm so glad you're here. That you escaped that hell.

[65]

You don't have to offer me any condolences. I just — [he pauses, stumbling over his words now that that's all off his chest] I've never told anyone that before. I couldn't. Even when I told Myri everything, I couldn't tell her that. It's too ugly. She'd be disgusted with me. [yep he believes this despite myri telling him that she'd love all of him no matter what.]

[socialgraces]

Finnick, I - [She takes a deep breath before pressing on.] Let me impart some wisdom on you from my hundred plus years in this world. Since I've been here I've met so many people, from all walks of life. Some have witnessed or lived through or even done horrible, dreadful things. But somehow they ended up here, and with the Knights. And we're all just looking for the same thing when we ask Wynn to take us in - ourselves. We just want a place to belong, we want to know who we are and why we're here. And it has little to do with lost memories - its more about lost souls.

But to truly find yourself you needn't search outward, because everything you've lived through and done, all your achievements and regrets, every moment of your past has lead you to where you are right now.

All those dreadful horrors you suffered through, they made you the man you are. The man she loves.

[65]

You're right. [he nods until he ... remembers this is a phone.] You're right. That's why I wouldn't ask to forget any of it if given the choice. I can't just somehow rip out part of me without it affecting everything.

[there's a short pause before he makes another admission (sorry you've turned into his diary, gurl.)]

After the concert, when I went back to the hotel, I started wondering if I was even fit to be a knight. Even with all the things I've done for the mission. But I am, aren't I? It's just — I just have to want it.

[socialgraces]

[Its ok, she's just glad he's getting it off his chest and that he trusts her to confide in. It means a lot.]

Oh yes. [She sounds so proud, but still so sad.] The humility you possess, even after being thrust into fame and fortune, speaks volumes for your character, Finnick. And the sacrifices you've made, although not as brazen as attacking an armed assassin, truly honor the oath you took.

I believe this mission has unfolded in ways Wynn did not, and could not, foresee. I don't think for a second he would have allowed you to become so deeply entangled in something this dangerous without forewarning you.

[65]

It unfolded in ways I didn't foresee, either. I never thought it was going to end up this way. Although I guess I didn't put much thought into how it would have ended up, either. That's my own fault.

[socialgraces]

It's easy to see that from where you are now, but I'm sure you felt much more in control at the time. You live, you learn. Trust me, there's no one in the Knighthood who hasn't made worse miscalculations in their time.

All that matters now is that we get you out. Which we will.

[65]

Thank you, Francesca. I don't think I can ever say how much I appreciate it.

[socialgraces]

You don't have to.

And this way I'll have a chance to meet Myri.

[65]

I can't believe you haven't met her. [yeah he's about to sound all lovestruck and gushy now.] She's really incredible.

[socialgraces]

[That's ok, she loves it more than she'll ever admit.] Then I'm glad I don't have to wait.

If anything else comes up before I get there, or if you just need to talk again, you can call.

[65]

I will, I will. [he almost says "thanks" again but stops himself. it's becoming a problem.] I look forward to seeing you again soon.

[socialgraces]

Very soon. Take care of yourself, Finnick. [insert goodbye/hanging up]