email ♔ to buffy summers

[romanticidal]

[ in late january, buffy receives an email to her drakenet linked account. the subject line is simply: "An Apology" - and the sender is rafael giovanni, from an unfamiliar email address.

 ♬ hurt - johnny cash ]

 

Buffy

I am so sorry.

About everything.

 

For many months, I have tried to compose this letter, to pick up a phone and try to call you, but I have been arrested each time by the thought that perhaps time would make this easier, for both of us.

I have been thinking much about many different things, but you have been at the forefront of so many of these thoughts. And I have come to see that my decisions may have closed some doors forever.

 

Were they the right decisions? I do not know.

 

Will they result in me finally choosing something that will make someone happy rather than destroy them? Perhaps. For once in my life, perhaps. And if I have that chance, then how can I not take it? No matter how difficult it may be for me.

 

I cannot continue to hurt those I love to keep myself satisfied. What I want cannot come first, because we have both seen what following my own desires does to me. I do not know how to trust myself with the things I want the most.

 

When I heard that Andres had been saved, I waited, to hear from you as promised. As the days passed, I began to think that perhaps you had come to change your mind about those things which passed between us when we last spoke. That you had come to realize that what you do, you are more free to do, without the difficulties I have brought to your life. That caring for me is not worth the price, and that in the end, it is disappointment I will bring to your heart.

 

I have come to see that this is right.  To realize what I have done to you, asked of you, while granting so little in return.

 

I do not trust myself to say these words in person.

 

I'm sorry again. I'm so sorry, carina. Your heart is safer without me. You will be happier without me.

 

I can't hurt you anymore. So I will hurt myself instead, and know that you will be stronger alone, stronger because I am not there to distract you, to pull you away from the responsibilities that you prize... The responsibilities that I have nothing but respect and pride for when I consider them- you fight for things I wish I could claim to have upheld as well as I had intended. Your dedication is inspiring. I am so proud of you.

 

You are the strongest person I have ever met, Buffy. You do not need me to be strong. You do not need me to make you weak.

 

You are the best friend I have ever had as well, and do not think that I will ever forget what you have done for me, and what you have meant to me. You have meant everything to me in these past years, and that only can mean that something terrible will befall you if you do not distance yourself from me. I do not blame you for trying. I can only try to make it easier for you by doing the same.

 

I will miss you more every day, not less.

 

Rafael

Comments

[slay]

[ Buffy abandons any formality, neglecting formatting in favor of getting straight to the point. Or rather, she attempts to cut straight to the point, and finds herself drafting a dozen different openers before she finds something she's satisfied with. It's short. It's to the point. It's downright desperate. ]

I've missed you so much. I thought I was never going to see you again I thought



It's not like that. It's not like that at all. I lo


Please understand

You have it all w

I'm sorry

I miss you so much




I'm sorry that

I

It isn't what you think. I need to see you.

[ This perhaps is more dramatic and/or concerning than it needs to be, given their lifestyles, but Buffy and Rafael communicate in melodrama. ]

[romanticidal]

[ a reply isn't really all that long in coming ]

Has something happened? Please tell me that everyone is alright.

[slay]

It was touch and go for a while there, but everyone's alive. Well, strictly speaking, I guess Spike's not, but no deader than usual.

Rafael, I didn't reach out to you because I was being weak. I was afraid—not of you hurting me, but of me hurting you. Afraid that you might look at me and see that I'm not the person you thought I was. I thought hiding from it was the answer but I was wrong.

I told myself I was protecting you by holding you at a distance, that you would be better off if I wasn't dragging you back into this. But now I know that I was just being selfish, and that selfishness hurt the people that I love.

Des misses you. I miss you. And we have work to do. I promised you that we'd do it together: let me keep that promise.

[romanticidal]

[ the next message doesn't show up for some time, probably half a day, but when it does, the tone is entirely different. ]

I have to tell you something but I don't know how and I don't want you to hear it from some other place.

Whatever you hear, whenever you hear it, I beg you: do not believe it.

I have made a mistake, Buffy. Maybe the biggest mistake I have ever made and I have no choice but to try and fix it this time.

When everything seemed to be slipping away from me, I reached out for something I thought I did know.

If you truly mean what you say, if you truly wish this chance to speak about this face to face, I will make arrangements.

~Raf

[slay]

Rafael,

I do. If you hurt someone Whatever happened, it won't change how I feel about you.

I can help.

Just tell me when + where, and I'll meet you.

[ I'm not saying I'll help you dump the body, but ... ]

[romanticidal]

It might.

With the tour, we are moving from day to day too quickly to arrange anything. We will be returning to America February 8th, for the Grammy's.

I can put you on the guest list, along with whoever you may wish. We can speak after the ceremony.

[slay]

Good timing.
Be careful. We have reason to suspect "Chad" and Keijen are planning something mind-blowing. You're gonna want to come prepared.

I'll send you a team roster when I know more.
Take care of yourself.

[romanticidal]

"Chad"?

[slay]

He's not the man you think he is. More when I see you. I'll explain everything.

[romanticidal]

Very well.

Be careful, carina.

[slay]

[ She doesn't email him back until she has the list of people Wynn wants at the Grammy's, and then it's just a list of names. ]