drakenet | email ♔ to buffy summers

[ in late january, buffy receives an email to her drakenet linked account. the subject line is simply: "An Apology" - and the sender is rafael giovanni, from an unfamiliar email address.

♬ hurt - johnny cash ]

Buffy

I am so sorry.

About everything.

For many months, I have tried to compose this letter, to pick up a phone and try to call you, but I have been arrested each time by the thought that perhaps time would make this easier, for both of us.

I have been thinking much about many different things, but you have been at the forefront of so many of these thoughts. And I have come to see that my decisions may have closed some doors forever.

Were they the right decisions? I do not know.

Will they result in me finally choosing something that will make someone happy rather than destroy them? Perhaps. For once in my life, perhaps. And if I have that chance, then how can I not take it? No matter how difficult it may be for me.

I cannot continue to hurt those I love to keep myself satisfied. What I want cannot come first, because we have both seen what following my own desires does to me. I do not know how to trust myself with the things I want the most.

When I heard that Andres had been saved, I waited, to hear from you as promised. As the days passed, I began to think that perhaps you had come to change your mind about those things which passed between us when we last spoke. That you had come to realize that what you do, you are more free to do, without the difficulties I have brought to your life. That caring for me is not worth the price, and that in the end, it is disappointment I will bring to your heart.

I have come to see that this is right. To realize what I have done to you, asked of you, while granting so little in return.

I do not trust myself to say these words in person.

I'm sorry again. I'm so sorry, carina. Your heart is safer without me. You will be happier without me.

I can't hurt you anymore. So I will hurt myself instead, and know that you will be stronger alone, stronger because I am not there to distract you, to pull you away from the responsibilities that you prize... The responsibilities that I have nothing but respect and pride for when I consider them- you fight for things I wish I could claim to have upheld as well as I had intended. Your dedication is inspiring. I am so proud of you.

You are the strongest person I have ever met, Buffy. You do not need me to be strong. You do not need me to make you weak.

You are the best friend I have ever had as well, and do not think that I will ever forget what you have done for me, and what you have meant to me. You have meant everything to me in these past years, and that only can mean that something terrible will befall you if you do not distance yourself from me. I do not blame you for trying. I can only try to make it easier for you by doing the same.

I will miss you more every day, not less.

Rafael

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Good timing. Be careful. We have reason to suspect "Chad" and Keijen are planning something mind-blowing. You're gonna want to come prepared. I'll send you a team roster when I know more. Take care of yourself.